Dear Marvel: The Winter Soldier
by thestarkedsoldier
Summary: A series of personal mission reports by the Winter Soldier, as he struggles with the one target he can't cross off: Captain America. Companion story to Zenappa's "Dear Marvel: Captain America". Some CA:TWS spoilers, ish.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Hello all, and thanks for reading! As most of you know, this is a companion story to the amazing **Zenappa,** my partner in crime and my fantastic beta as well. This is such a blast, and I can't wait to get deeper into the story with her! I hope you guys enjoy this as much as I'm enjoying this! Let me know what you think, and definitely check out the main story, _Dear Marvel: Captain America. _Thanks again!

Playlist:

The Ballad of the Nova Corps. (Instrumental) – Tyler Bates (From Guardians of the Galaxy), Eyes on Fire – Blue Foundation, The Causeway – Henry Jackman (From Captain America: The Winter Soldier), and On Trees and Birds and Fire – I Am Oak.

Mission Report: August 14th

There was a theory that one man at the right place at the right time could be better than an entire army. That one man could be so ruthless and dangerous that he could conquer countries, take down empires. This was the man I was altered to be.

I wasn't always this way. I used to be a good man, a soldier. In fact, I had a good life, despite what was happening around me. All of that changed after the accident.

I still hear the screaming. I still hear the wind howling in my ears. I used to be scared of it, but now it fills me with rage. He should have caught me. He could have been faster, but he was weak. If I had died, he would have been at fault, but I didn't. Sometimes I wish I had. Dying would have been better than the life I have I have now. The life he forced on me.

When they found me at the bottom of those mountains, they did things to me. They replaced my arm with a metal one, and they treated me like their personal guinea pig. Each time someone new created a new serum, it was me they tested it on. It made me stronger, but it had its side effects, as anything else would. Nothing I couldn't handle.

When they were done with me, I was given to the KGB as if I were a weapon. That's what I am, a weapon. There, I trained the new members, and I was their personal guard dog. When they were done with me, they put me under ice and gave me back to the scientists who messed with my head. They turned me into the ideal soldier, fueled by rage of what had been done to me. I was their hit man, and their little weapon. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but if I faltered for a second, it meant they took everything I had left: My memories. It was the one thing keeping me from being the perfect soldier, but the one thing that kept me going. It was the rage I felt that made me cruel. It was the sadness that kept me from turning into a complete monster.

The last time they unfroze me, it was to trade me off again, this time to the highest bidder. I didn't know names, it wasn't necessary. The only thing I needed to know was my mission. This man, my new 'owner', never told me his name. I didn't ask. All he told me was my orders.

"Do you know who you are?"

I answered easily, "The Winter Soldier."

"No no no, not your alias. You. Who are you?"

I looked up at the man, my face not showing an inch of emotion. I was to answer every question I was asked honestly, no matter what it was. No one ever asked about me, though. I was just their hit man. "My name, sir, is James Buchanan Barnes."

This seemed to please the man. He smirked wildly, then walked away. "Your target is named Steven Grant Rogers, Captain America."

My blood boiled by the mention of his name. I nodded politely, then turned away. How was that guy even alive? It had been over 70 years since the accident. I hadn't been outside of cryogenics in almost 20 years, and I hadn't been outside of either a lab or training field since 1944, but I knew that enough to know that he shouldn't be alive.

"Is there a problem, Barnes?"

I turned around to the voice, shaking my head slowly. "No."

He was surprisingly easy to track. He and his team were in a town in Ireland, and so we picked up our belongings and followed them. Upon arriving to the town, we split up, and he left me alone to get the job done. I didn't ask where he was going, not did I bother. He seemed to have a mission of his own.

I hadn't been anywhere other than the labs in Russia and America for such a long time that I had forgotten what it was like. I couldn't let myself be seen by anyone, so I headed down a path, finding what looked like an abandoned castle. I went in and made myself at home, putting my gear down. It's all I had, and it wasn't really mine. Afterward, I grabbed the few things I needed, then went on my way. I found a high enough spot, and set up, watching the team from up high. If I had any doubts that he was alive before, this settled those. There he was, walking around, as young as he was before. That just made me more angry.

There was around eight of them that I could see. Three women and five men, including Steve. I never got a good look at any of their faces other than Steve's, but with my skill, I didn't need to. I had a target, and no one else mattered. I sat watching them for hours, waiting for anything that would give me a chance to step in. They seemed to be dysfunctional to me, and I figured working around them would be easy. No one else had to die, just the target. I stared at the back of his head, anger rising in my chest. Finally, I was going to get the vengeance I felt I deserved. I was going to do to him what he had done to me, and there was nothing about to stop me.

End of transmission.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Another special thanks to the wonderful **Zenappa**, who is constantly helping me with this whole story thing! Again, please be sure to read her story _Dear Marvel: Captain America _**before**trying to keep up with this one. They go hand and hand, and they may even give some hints to the other! ;) Enjoy!

Playlist:

The Winter Soldier – Henry Jackman (From Captain America: The Winter Soldier), Walking with a Ghost – Tegan & Sara, Phantom Limb – The Shins, What A Bunch of A-holes – Tyler Bates (From Guardians of the Galaxy).

Reviews:

_Zenappa: _You're just too much for me to handle, ahaha! Hey, you know as well as I do that I'm perfectly okay and open to doing this, and we know how excited I am over this. I just can't wait until we show these poor readers what we have in store for them! *muffled evil laughter in the background*

_Bucky Barnes: _Dear myself, I make no promises. A mission is a mission, you and I both know that. Also, technology is weird and this is very confusing. Sincerely, Bucky (I think that's my name..)

_Guest #1- _Awe, thank you hon! I'm glad I could deliver! Just wait until you see what all we have coming for you, you're going to love it ;) Here is your update, darling!

_Guest #2- _Here you are, my dear! An update as promised, and more to come! :)

Mission Report: August 15th.

I slept for the first time in around twenty years. Their team still stayed in the small hotel and didn't do anything worth while, so I waited it out. In the process, somehow I fell asleep. I had a harsh reminder of why I didn't sleep before. I remember as a kid, I used to have these demented nightmares about ghosts and demons, but those were just child's play. It's worse now. Now, I'm reminded of the terrible things I've done, the people I've killed, the families I've ripped apart. There are some down sides to keeping my memories. I should be grateful, I mean, it's a privilege to remember. I should be grateful, but I'm not.

My sleep was cut off by the sounds of voices in the distance. My eyes shot open, and I got up immediately, looking out to check. Much to my surprise, the Captain and his team walked about, and it seemed to me as if they were headed my way. I packed up my things and snuck out, but not without leaving something behind to scare them off. I pulled off a piece of my arm and threw it to the ground, letting the metal hit the floor with a faint _ding_. I did this on every mission, hoping that instead of pursuing me, the targets ran away. But they never did.

After an hour or so, I headed back, only to find the metal piece gone. They had been there, and they had to have went back, giving me the perfect opportunity. I walked up to the hotel, holding a gun in my hands and placing the mask and goggles over my mouth and eyes. I immediately began shooting at the doors, not stopping until there was a hole big enough for me to stick my hand through and open the door. While the team was dysfunctional, they weren't ill-prepared. As soon as the door opened, I was bombarded with multiple weapons, among others including arrows and bullets. None of it effected me, though. One of the perks of the serums.

When it all stopped, I took my next move. I scanned the room, my eyes first drifting to the brunette woman who had her gun aimed at me. Easy. It only took a few swift movement for me to grab her neck and throw her across the room to a wall, with just enough force to injure her, but not enough to kill her. I then turned my focus on the archer, kicking him back so he didn't attack. "Where's your Captain?" I growled, scanning the room. At this point, most of the team took to many hiding places, no doubt devising a plan. At least they made it somewhat of a challenge. Before I could get an answer, I felt the sudden jolt of pain in my neck, and then felt legs wrap around it, choking me tightly. I could feel the surging energy from what felt like tasers, but they didn't have the desired effect on me. I flung the person off of my shoulders, but she manage to pull my goggles off in the process. I looked over the woman, and for a moment, I couldn't breath. "Natal-," I started, but I was cut off immediately by the burning of repulsors in my back. I was sent forward, but I managed to turn and look at the weapon, which turned out to be some sort of flying machine. "Anyone else getting the Terminator vibe here, or it just me?" It asked, then shot again. I acted on instinct and blocked it, then grabbed the nearest object, which just so happened to be my gun, and I shot back immediately. It was bulletproof, but that never stopped me. I stood up and got closer and closer, and when I was inches away from the machine, I grabbed it by the central core on it's chest and ripped the glowing piece out with my left arm, then pulled it out of the air with ease. This earned a loud scream from behind me, coming from a blonde woman who had been hiding behind a couch. I stepped forward to attack, but as I did, a surge went through me that I had never felt before. It felt like - it was - lightning running through my every inch, and it felt like I was going to burn alive right then. I probably would have if it weren't for the arm, which I used to grab the source and shock it as well. It turned out to be a man, who fell quickly. The next thing I saw was a giant green blur headed my direction, and with the energy still running through me, I couldn't get out of its way. Instead, it hit me at full force, sending me out of window and onto the concrete. I was taking more blows that I would have liked, but I still had a mission. I pulled the mask off so I could catch my breath, but not in time. The green monster jumped out after me and grabbed me, bringing me back into the small room, where the team seemed to gather around me. I got to my feet quickly and looked around with a grimace. "I'm looking for Steven Rogers," I said in a low voice, avoiding eye contact with any of them. "Well, you're out of luck," the archer spoke, and I reacted in kind. I lunged at him and hit him, quickly knocking him out. If he wasn't here, that meant I had to get out. I looked at the window I had been thrown out of, then looked around again. I saw Natalia staring at me, but I didn't stare back. Instead, I reached into my pocket and pulled out a smoke bomb, setting it off quickly. I then made my way through the smoke and out the window, where I hurled myself out and hit the ground soon after. That held them up for a bit, but just in case, I walked to the side of the building, starting a small fire that would soon grow. I then limped away, searching for a new hideout.

I was injured, far more than I would have cared for. Even though my cells typically regenerated fast, I was still in pain. I had burns covering most of my body due to the lightning, and the back of my head throbbed. There were more cuts and bruises, but they barely hurt in comparison. By time I found a small cave, my body had all but given up. As I walked in, black dots covered my vision, and I saw nothing after that.

When I woke up, the pain was immense. The wounds hadn't healed, which wasn't good. I groaned as I stood and pulled the leather suit off of me, looking myself over. The burns still festered, but there were now bruises that spread from my back to my arms, and no doubt further. My hair seemed to stick to the back of my head, thanks to dried blood, which meant a concussion. That couldn't have been good at all. Instead of looking at them, I decided to tend to them, which first meant pulling bullets out of my shoulder and my chest. They didn't hurt as bad, since I had been shot hundreds of times before. After that, I cleaned them using the last of my water, then rested a bit longer. Most missions had a time limit, but not this one. For the first time, I could rest. It was a vanity I hadn't experienced since before the accident. It never seemed to matter, since I knew that when I went back, I would no doubt be put under ice for years on end.

When I rested, I was alone with my thoughts. I was angry I hadn't completed the mission, especially since it meant that I had to face that man again. I didn't want to look at Steve, much less listen to him. He was the reason I was who I was, the reason I became such a monster. I could still hear the words of the scientists who found me, reminding me how Steve was nothing more than a show for the Americans, and how he let me fall, how he betrayed me. I didn't believe it at first, but after a while, it made sense. Ever since he turned into Captain America, he seemed to change into a different man. We fought together, but that meant nothing. He would have let me die that day if it weren't for the serum that allowed me to survive the fall. I lost my arm because of him, and I am ruthless because of him. I sat up, taking a deep breath. I then walked out of the cave, looking around. I hadn't seen anything like it in my life. It was peaceful, and serene. Nothing like I was used to. I walked out into the forest, looking for anything to either eat or drink. Nothing. It didn't matter, I could starve as long as I finished the mission. I heard yelling in the distance, and when I turned around, I spotted them. Two men, one of them I recognized as the archer. They were looking for me. They must have spotted me, since they started running in my direction. I tried to run off, but with my injuries, there was no way I could. Instead, I dodged arrows and stalked towards them, doing the only thing I knew how to do, which was fight. I only needed them to go away, I didn't need to do damage. Rather than beating them to a pulp, I figured I'd just injure one of them, forcing them to turn back, and since the archer seemed to be the only one with a weapon, I chose him. I grabbed his bow and threw it to the ground, then grabbed his arm. He hit me a few times, but he was weaker than me. I could feel the other man attacking me, but he wasn't my focus. I had to focus. I pulled at the arm of the archer, only stopping when I heard a crack and his cry of pain. I didn't know if I broke anything, or if I pulled it far out of place. I didn't care. I stepped back as the other man helped the archer, who by now had clutched his shoulder and screamed out every so often. The other man dragged him back, signaling a surrender. I walked in the opposite direction and hid behind a rock until they left, then returned to the cave. There, I rested my head down and forced myself to sleep, in hopes that it would help me heal. The faster I healed, the faster I finished the mission.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: So yet again, the chapter glitched, so I want to apologize to all that wanted to read, but couldn't. I wish I could tell everyone that it is now fixed (at least I hope it is) and that I will do everything in my power so it doesn't do it again. Because of constant glitches, I'm going to start leaving these Author's Notes much shorter, taking out the playlist and some of the review responses. This being said, I want you all to know that I read all the reviews and I love hearing from every one of my readers!** Zenappa **and I are very very very excited about this, and just to scare you all a bit, we are a bit ahead, and it's gonna be a fun ride to say the least. Thanks for reading, and again, so sorry about the glitches! (Also, A/N will be at the end of each chapter from now on.)

When I woke up, my wounds had healed quite nicely. I had fresh scars, but it no longer hurt the way it had the night before. Thanks to this, I resumed my mission as if nothing had happened. Before I took another step towards annihilating Captain Rogers, I had to find the man pulling my strings.

He was not as easy to find as Steve was. Whoever this man was, he didn't want to get caught. He was a professional, and I was impressed. I found him in an abandoned warehouse in the outskirts of the town, but it seemed I wasn't the only person he had. In the middle of the room stood the dark-haired man and a brunette woman, standing with her hip cocked to the left. Instead of interrupting, I hid behind a wall and listened, hoping to find out more about the man.

"I will not do it," the woman hissed at him.

"Who says you have a choice?"

"I do," she responded quickly. I was beginning to like this woman.

"Well, in case you've forgotten, I own you."

"You don't own me, I am not some object for you to claim," she spat back, and I couldn't help but peek in, watching her cross her arms across her chest.

"I brought you here, I can take you back," the man threatened.

"I didn't ask for this, you know. I never once wanted this, you did this to me. I won't listen to you, and I won't do this. He's done nothing wrong." I was beginning to get more curious by the second.

"You think he loves you?" The man let out a twisted laugh, one that sent shivers down my spine. "Your sentimentality makes you weak. He doesn't love you, in fact, I would be quite shocked if he even remembered you." This seemed to shut her up.

"You're lying," she finally said, regaining her confidence.

"Am I? Find out for yourself! He doesn't love you, and if you want proof, go to the hospital down the street and you tell me if I am a liar. I won't stop you."

After this, she turned on her heels, walking my way. I started towards the man, passing her by in the process. There was something about her that threw me off, almost if I recognized her. She was attractive to say the least, even though she wore minimum makeup and she seemed to be exhausted. She must have recognized me, since she stopped before she walked out. Strange, I thought. No one who knew me knew my face, and no one ever recognized me by my face. I approached the man in the center of the room, crossing my arms across my chest. The woman seemed to grate on his nerves, which was entertaining to say the least.

"I am not one to be disappointed, soldier," he started, not even looking in my direction. "So you can imagine my shock when I discover that not only did Captain Rogers escape, he escaped unharmed." To this, I shook my head. "I was ambushed by his team, sir." He let out a laugh, which again sent shivers down my spine. "I hired you to get the job done, and you failed me. I ought to give you back, you're not the soldier I asked for," he spat, and I shook my head. "I can do it, sir. I can," I pleaded. To this, he stood up and paced slowly, thinking to himself. "Perhaps you are right," he started, and this was more unsettling than before. "You can do it, but I don't think you have the right target," he turned to face me, and admittedly, my heart was pounding in my chest. I wasn't against killing Steve, but it was a slight relief. "Your mission is as follows. Captain Rogers will be handled by another, but as for you, your target is a woman named Natalia Alianovna Romanova, otherwise known as Natasha Romanoff." Of course, I knew who she was. I could never forget her. I must have looked weak, with my mouth opening and closing, and my expression pained. "Is there a problem, Barnes?" He asked again, just as he had the first time he gave me a target. Then, I could say no without a doubt, but I couldn't kill Natalia. I couldn't in the past, and I couldn't now. "Why?" I asked, making the man stare at me. "She's a threat." This only made me angry. "She's done nothing wrong," I responded, knowing I was making a mistake. "Is this sentiment?" He asked, practically repeating the conversation with the woman from before. "It's consideration, not sentimentality. She's just a teammate. If you want Steve, I'll take him, it's not a problem-," he cut me off soon after. "It is," he called out, stepping towards me. "The people who gave you to me did not fail to tell me your weaknesses. I know how to motivate you. These memories you hold onto, they are expendable. I asked for a soldier, and I can make you the perfect one. You will do what I ask, without fault, or your mind is mine. Is that clear?" My skin crawled and my blood boiled, but I knew when to stand down. "Crystal." With that, I walked away, practically fuming. I had a choice, kill Natalia, or lose the only thing I had left. I thought about the consequences of each choice. Without my memories, I would become a killing machine. I would be ruthless, brutal, and unstoppable. Lives depended on my choice. Without Natalia, I don't know where I would end up. Still, my pain was nothing in comparison to other's pain. I had to do the right thing, even if it wasn't necessarily right.

When I went back into the warehouse to collect the things I needed for my new mission, I saw the woman again. She walked about as if she was settled on one thing and one thing alone, unlike before. She walked beside me and grabbed a few choice guns, only looking over at me to see which ones I had. Her eyes shone a bright blue color, when before, they were a deep brown. There was something very wrong with her, but I didn't want to pry. I had already gotten myself in enough trouble. When she walked away, a gun in each hand, I wondered who the man was that she had talked about before. What happened to make her change her mind? I didn't think too much about it, especially since I had enough on my mind.

Back in the KGB, I trained hundreds of men a day. Each of them were the same, assassins trained from the moment they were strong enough to carry a gun. I had no attachments to them, and if some were to die along the way, I didn't care. I wasn't there to care, I was there to teach. There were not very many people who could stand up to me or even catch me off guard, but Natalia could. She never failed to impress me, whether it was on the field or off. I was a rigid and ruthless killer when I met her, but when she was gone, I was changed. She changed me, and the effects never faded. I shook my head as made my way back to the cave that I called home. How could I kill the only woman who I actually cared about? I didn't know if I could, and that was a terrifying thought. Perhaps she would be the only one to make me fail a mission. She always surprises me. Always.

End of Transmission.


	4. Chapter 4

_See end of chapter for Author's Notes._

* * *

Mission Report.

I had never in my life been afraid of a mission. I feared I might be injured or possibly killed, but it wasn't enough to make me stop. This time, I was afraid to even pursue the target.

Many years ago, I was given the assignment to kill a Russian woman for the KGB. I didn't know why I had to kill her, or what would happen if I did, but I knew what had to be done. When I ambushed her at her own house and finished the job, I looked up to see her two children staring at me. They were too young to understand what I had done, but I knew I ruined a family. That mother would never see her children grow up and achieve many things, and those children would grow up in fear that I would come and kill everyone else. That haunts me every day.

What would happen after I killed Natalia? Would they have a funeral service for her? Would others die because of it? I shook my head, trying to remove those thoughts. If I went in thinking like that, I would never get the job done.

I was tasked to kill her once before. It was part of a training exercise, where I had to pick the best recruit and kill them just to show the others how serious they were. It was twisted, but it had worked before. When I picked her, I couldn't make myself do it. There's always been something about her that throws me completely off balance, and it's unsettling among other things.

I found them walking along the cliffs. Natalia walked besides the man who was with the archer before, someone I knew to be weak. I looked back at the woods, spotting the Captain and the blonde woman from before. I didn't want to cross them off as well, but I had to get Natalia alone. She was the target, no one else.

After a few minutes, I watched the woman from before attack the other two, giving me an opportunity to attack. I snuck behind the brunette man, then without a thought, I pushed him aside, letting him dangle over the side of the cliff. Natalia turned around and looked at me, her eyes wide. "James," she whispered, but I didn't respond. Instead, I lunged at her, trying to keep the memories safe in the back of my mind. It didn't work.

_The walls leading to the small rooms were tall, but I had climbed taller. I memorized the entire layout by that point, and so finding her room was easy. It just took a while to get to it._

_When I found her, I pulled the window open and snuck in, hearing a gasp across the room. "James?" She whispered, and by time I was in the room, she stood in front of me. "What are you doing here? If they catch you, they'll kill you," she whispered, her hand grazing my right arm. "I'm already a dead man, Natalia," I leaned closer to her and pressed my lips to hers, my arm instinctively clutching her waist. She molded against me, but moved away shortly after. "James," she whispered my name, sending shivers down my spine. "Natalia," I responded, pressing my forehead to hers. "I can't let you get in trouble. I know what they'll do to you," she placed her hand on my cheek, and I leaned into it instinctively. "I'll take my chances," I whispered, then pulled her close once again, bringing our lips together again. This time, I wasn't planning on separating._

Before I realized just what I was doing, my hands were around her neck, and I was squeezing tightly. It was then that I felt the repulsors on my back once again, making me roll to the side. The man was now wearing the same metal suit from before, and he was now flying in the air with his arms pointed at me. "Step aside," he called out, and the next thing I heard was a loud scream coming from beside me. Natalia was signaling her team. I quickly stood up and threw the man from the air with ease. I needed to focus. She attacked me once again, this time wrapping her legs around my neck and holding a wire against it. "Listen, you don't have to do this-," she started, but I flipped her off of my shoulders to shut her up. "You know that I do," I growled back, and she stared at me for a while. I should have put a bullet through her skull then, but I couldn't do it. "You don't," she muttered, and that just angered me. She knew that I had to. She knew. I stepped forwards and placed my gun on her forehead, avoiding her eyes. "You know what they will do to me if I don't," I hissed, pressing the gun harder on her head. I dared to look at her expression, which was now sad and desperate. "I know," she whispered after a while. "I know, James, I know," she continued, making me stop. She was crying. She placed her hands on the gun, and I noticed how they shook as she did so. "Do it," she whispered, closing her eyes. I stood still, unable to think or function properly. "I can't let you get in trouble, I know what they'll do to you," she added, and I thought for a moment that she would reach over and pull the trigger for herself. She was willing to die if it meant that I didn't have to go through the pain again. I wasn't that shallow, and I knew the pain would be worth it. I dropped the gun and stepped back, and she opened her eyes and shook her head, tears streaming down her cheeks. "I'm already a dead man," I spoke under my breath. "James," she attempted to convince me not to go, but my mind was made up. I shook my shoulders to shake off the chills running down my spine. She always had that effect on me. "I won't kill you, Natalia," I whispered as I stepped back, already planning my escape. The other two members of her team started towards us, and I had to move. "They'll-" "I'll take my chances," I interrupted, repeating myself. She continued to protest, but I was already escaping. As I ran off, my eyes stung painfully. I wasn't crying. Soldiers don't cry.

When I returned to the warehouse where my boss hid, he was waiting for me. "Is she dead?" He asked, and I shook my head. "No, sir. I don't believe killing her will get you closer to your goal," I attempted, but I knew what I was in for. I'd let people down before, and I always paid the consequences. "This is the basis of sentimentality," he started, and he was right. "This is not what I expected from you when I hired you." I crossed my arms and looked in the distance, prepared for anything. "I am sorry to disappoint, sir," I apologized, but I didn't regret doing it. I would take a hundred hits if it meant she got to live. "I warned you what would happen if you failed me," he reminded me. "And I understood you, but with all due respect, if I had to kill someone, I'd like to know why," I spoke back, knowing I was only digging a deeper grave. He seemed to grow more irritated by the second. "You need not reason nor explanation. I asked you to cross her off and you disobeyed me. I have no other choice," he started, and I stepped back in fear. "No, hear me out-," I tried, but before I could finish, his hands were on my forehead, and I couldn't see a thing.

_Targets are Natalia Alianovna Romanova and Steven Grant Rogers._

_Finish by August 18th._

_My goal is to rest, find the targets, and complete the mission, without a delay._

_End of transmission._

* * *

**_A/N: _****Dun dun duun. Sorry, couldn't resist. The next few chapters, while yes, the plot seems familiar, please do not confuse this for the Captain America: The Winter Soldier battle scene. That, my friends, has yet to come, and when it does, there will be no confusion to whether or not it is based off of the movie. Thanks for reading!**


	5. Chapter 5

_See end of chapter for Author's Notes and review responses._

**Mission Report.**

Targets remain unchanged.

Both Romanova and Rogers remain in hiding, though it is hypothesized that they will not remain that way. My handler suspects they will find me before I find them. I take his advice and remain in hiding as well.

To my right, a woman sharpens her blade. Her title is unknown. I do not ask. Instead, I take my own blade and sharpen it, knowing it may be necessary. "When they come, I will take the woman," she says, and I nod in agreement. "Rogers is mine," I say, as if I have a claim on the man. I do not know who he is, why he is the target, or what to expect. I only know the mission. I do not need to know anything else. The woman nods to me, then stands, walking to the center of the room. "Loki," she calls out, and I wonder who she means. It is then that I see the handler turn the corner into the room, standing in front of the woman. "Yes?" He responds. I take note that the handler's title is Loki. "I have come to ask when the targets will be arriving," she says in a monotone, as if her accent wasn't hard enough to understand. "Soon, dearie. Very soon," he grins after speaking, and I try to ignore the slight fear nagging at the back of my mind. Soon, he - Loki - disappears, and I do not expect to see him again. Not until after I have defeated the target. The woman walks back to my right, where she laced up her boots and pulled her hair back, then proceeded to load herself with knives and guns. She seemed to prefer guns. I, on the other hand, had a preference for knives. I put my typical leather suit on and recalibrate my arm, then stood in the center of the room, waiting for the targets to arrive.

I did not have to wait long.

They opened the doors with ease. To my left, the woman from before stood, staring at the door with hatred. I looked at the two approaching us with no emotion, since hating them would require me to care. I do not care about the target. I do not care about anything. "Bucky!" I heard the man call out, but I did not move from where I stood. He started towards me, and I pulled a knife from my belt and clutched it tightly. He stopped as he saw it.

"Bucky please," he started. To my left, I could hear the woman already attacking the red-haired woman. "Don't do this to me," he pleaded, and I concluded that he was referring to me. Instead of answering, I moved to stand in a proper position, showing that I was prepared for a battle. He shook his head, but advanced towards me anyways. He first threw his metal shield in my direction, which I caught with ease. I threw it back at him, along with the blade in my hands. He blocked it, then ran towards me, shield in hand. I pulled my gun out and aimed, waiting to shoot until I knew I could hit him. I hesitated, and he hit the gun out of my hand, letting it slide across the room.

"You know me," he said, peering over the shield for a moment. "Shut up," I hissed, pulling a blade from my thigh and throwing it at him, hoping it would land and it would end. As I did so, my mind began to.. Malfunction. Pictures entered my head, words, places, things I didn't recognize. Brooklyn, Barnes, Steve.. I had to shake my head to get them to leave my head. I couldn't be distracted. As I paused, the target stepped forward, slamming his fist into my cheek. I had been hit before, but nothing ever seemed to hurt. His hits hurt.

"Your name is-" "No," I cut him off, sliding under him to grab my knife. It slipped into my hands, and I rolled back, moving out of the way as he hurled his shield in my direction. In the distance, the sound of the shield hitting the wall and then the ground echoed. I smirked, then stood up, throwing the blade to him. It hit his shoulder, causing him to fall back. Again, my mind malfunctioned.

_"Sometimes I think you like getting punched."_

I clutched my head, trying to make it stop. Whatever it was, it was throwing me off, and I couldn't stop it. Conversations I never had ran through my brain, with people I did not know. "Your name is James Buchanan Barnes. You're my friend," the man I had pinned to the wall said, clutching his shoulder tightly. He winced, and I grew more angry. "Shut up!" I yelled, then lunged at him, pulling him off of the wall and throwing him to the ground, where I began to hit him continuously. I couldn't stop. I do not know why I did this, but I hit until my hands grew tired. When I stopped, his face had been bloodied, and I was out of breath. Still, he continued to speak. "You and I, we were a team," he croaked, and I hit him again, just so he would stop talking. It did not have the desired effect. "You are my friend, Bucky," he said, and I paused for a moment as new thoughts came to my mind.

_"Bucky!"_

_"Steve! Help!" I could feel myself reaching out for his hand but it never came._

_"Hang on!" I felt my fingers slipping. The cold air stung my cheeks, and my heart pounded in my chest._

_"Give me your hand!" I tried, but he was too far away. As I tried, the bar I had held onto broke once again, and I dropped a bit more. "Steve!" I cried, but it was of no use. Soon, I am falling. I am falling and screaming, but there is no one to catch me but the cold ground._

I stood up and stepped back, involuntary tears forming in my eyes. "Bucky," the man said, and I now recognized him. He was the man who didn't catch me. I shook my head, my hand still in my hair.

"Y-you," I started, my hands shaky. "You were the one on the train," I managed, and he sat up with a groan. His expression morphed into one of regret and sadness, while mine was fear. I hadn't experienced anything like that before, and it terrified me. Why did I not think of it before?

"I tried to save you, Buck. I tried so hard," he stood up, limping to one side. "I couldn't.. I couldn't do it," he added, and I was growing angry. "Weak," I growled through gritted teeth, and he did not even look at me. "I know," he answered, then looked up at me with a sad expression. "I'm so sorry, Bucky."

I snapped. Rather than accepting his apology, I lunged myself at him, throwing a punch anywhere I could. He didn't fight back, or even acknowledge that I had been trying to kill him. He accepted it. It made me stop, and look at the now severely injured man. "I won't fight you, Buck. You're my best friend," he croaked, and I hit him once again. "You are my mission," I hissed, but something felt wrong. I felt like I knew him. I felt like I owed him something. So naturally, as he slipped out of consciousness, I stared at him with wide eyes. What had I done?

I stood up and stepped back, looking to my left to see the brunette laying on the floor, bleeding profusely. I then looked forward to the blonde - Steve. I knew his name was Steve. I knew he knew me. I knew he was my friend. I didn't know who I was, but I knew that this man was my friend.

I had just killed my _friend_.

I didn't have time to process this, since soon after, I felt a sharp pain in my chest. I glanced down to see blood coming dripping off of the dark leather. I turned around to see the red-haired woman holding a gun in her hands, tears streaming down her cheeks. Black dots blurred my vision, and I could not function. I was falling once again, but this time, I didn't think I was going to recover. I fell back onto the floor, and the last thing I saw was her face.

I woke up to a sterile smell and the sound of beeping. It took me a few moments to regain my senses, but when I did, my initial reaction was to attack. Unfortunately, as I attempted to sit up, the pain forced me to lay back down, along with a hand on my shoulder. "Easy there, soldier," a soft voice spoke, and I looked over to the source, my eyes meeting blue ones. "Who are you?" I managed, but I sounded weak. "My name is Pepper Potts. You're in a hospital room in Dublin-," I tried to sit up and groaned, cutting her off. "Hey, you're hurt. Calm down," she whispered, making me look over at her with wide eyes. I then tried to look at my chest, which had now been wrapped in white gauze. Crap. I tried to remember what happened, how I got here- Steve.

"Where's Steve? Steven Rogers, where is he?" I asked, looking around in a panic. My head throbbed, in more ways than one. What happened?

"He's in a different room. He's okay, don't worry. Just a little bruised is all. You, however, seemed to have gotten hurt pretty bad." She was right, every inch of me ached. My chest burned, and my head pounded, but I had to leave. I slowly sat up and looked around, taking a deep - and painful - breath. "I have to leave," I announced, hoping she would just let me go. Of course she didn't. "You can't, the doctors-" "To hell with the doctors, I have to get out of here!" I yelled at her, shaking my head. "I have to leave, I can't be here," I muttered under my breath, ripping IV chords out of my arms and pulling wires off of my chest. I only stopped when I heard her voice. "James, calm down," she said, and I listened, focusing my attention instead on her. "Natalia," I muttered, and she nodded. "Good, you remember me. Listen, you can't leave. Loki is gone, and you have no one to report to. You're free, Bucky."

At first I was startled by the use of my nickname, but when the words sunk in, I looked around, shocked. Free? I hadn't been free in 80 years. This had to be a dream. I returned my attention on the woman at my bedside, taking a shaky breath. "You can do whatever you want. You don't have to be the Winter Soldier anymore. You can be you." I couldn't comprehend what she was saying. What I wanted? No one let me do what I wanted, in fact, my opinions weren't considered at all, even when they tampered with my mind. "I don't even know who I am," I responded, looking at my hands for a moment. "Then you know where to start."

Minutes later, I had my nurse - _I_ had a nurse - wheel me to Steve's room, where he slept on the hospital bed. When Pepper said he was bruised, it was quite an understatement. His face was swollen, and half of his bones seemed to be wrapped in some sort of cast. Then again, I had to look just as bad. She settled me in a spot on his left, then left me there. I didn't know what to do, so instead of thinking it through, I spoke.

"Listen, Steve, I.. I'm sorry. I didn't know what I was doing, but that doesn't excuse anything. The.. The truth is, ever since the accident, I've turned into a monster. If you were awake, you'd tell me how ashamed you were of me. Or.. I don't know what you'd do. They forced me to believe you did this to me, but I know better now." I looked at my hands again, this time staring at the metal one of the two. "I've done some pretty awful things, Steve, and I don't know if I can live with that. I don't know if I forgive myself, and so I don't expect you to forgive me. I gotta go figure out who I am when I'm not under some sort of control. On my own." I sighed, then placed my hands on the wheels.

"But the thing is," he croaked, making me look back at him. "You don't have to," he said through gritted teeth. "'Cos.. 'Cos I'm with you 'till the end of the line, pal," he finished, and for the first time in eighty years, I smiled genuinely.

"You're a punk," he muttered, and I stifled a chuckle.

"Jerk."

- James 'Bucky' Barnes

**_A/N: Woohoo! Now the real fun begins! Thank you for sticking with it! As always, I would like to give a big shoutout to the amazing _****_Zennapa,_****_ my beta, best friend, and partner in crime! If you are reading this story, and not her own 'Dear Marvel: Captain America', then you, my friend, are doing this wrong! Thank you to all the new followers, I hope I don't disappoint! _**

**_Reviews:_**

_Bucky Barnes (A/N: You are fantastic, my friend, and please never stop with these reviews!)- _

_Dear Bucky (isn't that my name?), _

_I know, I'm an idiot. Steve is constantly reminding me now. Love sucks, ain't that the truth. You get me on a personal level._

_Sincerely, _

_James (I don't think I'm ready to be Bucky quite yet.)_

**_And to all the guests, and Zenappa the wonderful, THANK YOU!_**


	6. Chapter 6

_See end of chapter for Author's Notes and review responses. _

**Mission Report.. Ish.**

After our little heart-to-heart, Steve and I could barely look at each other. It wasn't because it was awkward or anything, there simply didn't seem to be anything to say. I hadn't expressed my thoughts in almost eighty years. It wasn't something I could dive right into.

I healed faster than before. Inconsistent reactions in my body couldn't be healthy, but I didn't focus too much on it. I just wanted out of the hospital. It felt too much like a lab, and I didn't know if I had the strength to stay in there for any longer than I already had. I felt like any second now, someone would come and drag me away to a different room, where they'd prick me with every sort of needle and watch me writhe in pain. I was just waiting until I wasn't free anymore.

I was already beginning to disconnect myself when the red-head - Pepper - walked into my room once again. "You're free to go." There it was again, free. I was free to go. Why did it feel like a trap? I walked out after a few minutes of changing back into the leather uniform that had been given to me (how I got out of it before, I didn't know, not did I think I wanted to) and looked around, spotting the team of Steve's in the distance. I knew I didn't belong in the team, so rather than try to fit in, I just turned the other direction. I didn't know where I would go or what I would do, but I knew I'd figure it out. I'd walked away from worse.

Just as I began to walk away, I was stopped by someone grabbing my shoulder. "Bucky," he muttered, and I turned around to look at Pepper. "I hope you weren't leaving," she said, giving me a pained expression. "I don't want to ruin anything," I admitted, then motioned to her team. "No, it's.. Just.. Stay with us for a bit. You might actually enjoy it. There's a team meeting in Natasha's room, if.. If you're interested," she tried, smiling as if was a kid trying to convince me to buy her a toy. I doubted that I would enjoy it, but I owed her anyways, so I followed her.

I became like Steve's shadow. Anywhere he went, I was a bit behind him. It was strange to actually have a friend, if that's what this was. I knew I'd probably leave once I had the chance, but I had nothing better to do anyways. He never noticed me behind him, anyways. Plus, I was able to be around Natalia. She didn't speak to me or even acknowledge me, but I didn't look her way either. Something told me that the archer that was constantly by her side had something to do with that. I didn't interfere.

As I strolled around the hospital, I kept to myself. I didn't need to make anyone else more uncomfortable than necessary. I already knew I was unwelcome, I didn't want to make it worse. So I moved back to my own room, minding my own business. It was better that way.

That is, until I heard the team walk by in the hallway. I waited a bit, then walked out as well, stalking quietly behind them. I hid behind a wall as they spoke.

"We don't have a lot of time. This is the first time together since everything started snowballing." Steve.

"Steve's right. We can't hide from what just happened. We're one step closer to ending this, and we won't have the advantage for long." Natalia.

"What advantages do we have? Because your boyfriend doesn't count. He's a walking weapon." I didn't know who the guy was, but I knew he was talking about me.

"Now is not the time for this. We need a plan." Steve again.

"Preferably one that works this time." I didn't recognize the woman's voice.

"No no no, Tony's right for once. You let the guy in without knowing who he works for. I get it, you're BFF's or whatever, but that doesn't change anything. He put half of us in the hospital and we all know he's capable of doing it again." The archer. Don't know his name.

"Weapon or not, he's an asset. No one knows Loki better then him at this point. He's the best we got."

"An asset is someone who will help us. Does he even remember who he is or what Loki is planning?"

"It could be for nothing. We can't risk it."

"No, he stays for now. I'm not dumping him out on the streets."

It sounded as if Steve was the only one who wanted me around, but again, I wasn't shocked. I hadn't been wanted anywhere in such a long time, I didn't expect anything to change now.

"I hate to break it to you Capsicle, but your buddy over there almost killed you. Look in a mirror."

"Bucky is out of the question. We need a plan first and foremost."

I began to step in when the archer's voice filled the room again.

"Whoa, whoa, who says you're still the leader, Rogers? You're emotionally compromised, and you're putting the team at risk by letting the enemy in here without even questioning him. For all we know, this could be another one of Loki's tricks!" I got the feeling that the archer did not like me whatsoever.

"He has a point," Natalia spoke, and my eyes darted to hers in seconds. I didn't think she would side with me, but I never imagined her siding against me. "Ja-.. Bucky is a danger to us. He's not your best friend from 1940 anymore, Steve. He's different." We were all different after the war. It just never ended for me.

"I'm not dead yet," Steve announced. "We are still a team and every team needs a leader."

"Fury may have appointed you, but obviously he didn't know about the circumstances."

"If it weren't for Steve, none of us would be here. They all came after him time and time again, and we stood by his side then. What happened from then to now?" The woman I knew as Pepper spoke.

"What happened?" The archer scoffed, looking at each individual person in the room. "This is bigger than us, Pepper! Guys, was it just me in that hotel room when that guy attacked us? Maria, he hospitalized you! He's injured all of us, and instead of taking him out or arresting him, Steve let him join us and become one of us! He's not one of us." Well, if I felt like I belonged before, I didn't now.

"Clint, calm down. He's not going to hurt us," Natalia spoke, turning to the archer - who I now knew was named Clint - and resting her hand on his arm. Oh. _Oh._

"You're siding with him, too?! God, it's like you people forgot what happened!" He pulled away from her, and I won't lie, I was relieved he did.

"I didn't," Steve started. "I can't forget." He turned and looked directly at Clint. "I can't forget the way you screamed in the hospital when you had your arm wrenched off." He turned to Pepper. "I can't forget the way you almost died from a bullet to the head." He turned to the brunette woman, who I hadn't met yet. "I can't forget how you almost didn't make it." He turned to a strong blonde, who I didn't know, and a brunette scientist. "How you guys almost never made it back." To the brunette who looked vaguely familiar. "When he ripped your arc reactor out." Each time he mentioned another thing I did to the team, I felt even worse for what I had done. He turned to Natalia, and for a moment, I was actually nervous that he would mention what I had done to her. "I'm not saying we are going to forgive him for what has happened, but he's the best damn chance we have at getting to Loki."

"I'm not saying he isn't, Steve, but think about this for a moment," Natalia interjected, making me even more nervous. "What would happen if it were another person out there attacking us? What if it wasn't him? What would you be doing now?"

I heard Clint laugh. I don't think I like him. "I can tell you what we'd be doing! We'd have him cuffed so fast, his head would spin!"

"Let's not forget that you were once in his place, Clint. Loki has used you too, and what did we do? We let you fly the plane that took us to Manhattan. We let you in after you tried to kill all of us. Shouldn't we give Barnes the same opportunity?" The scientist pitched in.

"Whoa there, big guy, whose side are you on?"

"I didn't think there were sides. Aren't we a team?"

"Some team," Clint muttered under his breath, but everyone could hear him.

"You guys are all being ridiculous. This is insane."

"Enough," the blonde spoke up, his voice booming in the room. "If anyone hath had the experience that Steve Rogers hath had, tis I," he continued, and I drew the conclusion that he definitely was not from around here. "Loki is my brother, closer than a friend." Ah, that made sense. "I know how difficult it is to battle him, and knowing that I will have to end him, but I can never bring myself to fully do it. He may be beyond reason at times, but he is still my brother. Do you, my friends, still trust me even though Loki is the one we are after? Why should we not give the same respect to Steve Rogers?" Human or not, the guy knew how to say a speech.

"Because, Thor, you didn't invite Loki onto our little 'team', now did you?" Clint spoke up, and I had finally had enough of this nonsense. I walked in partially and rested my back against the door frame, then spoke up.

"You know, if you don't want me here, all you had to do was tell me."

I felt all eyes on me. Good. I wanted them to know that I heard everything. For a moment, it was silent.

"What the hell," and the silence was broken. "Who invited the tin man?" I decided I hated that nickname.

"This is it, I'm leaving. You've gone too far this time, Cap," Clint said, and part of me hoped he would leave.

"I did," Pepper spoke up. She mentioned the team meeting, but I wasn't interested before. She was showing me kindness, something I wasn't used to.

"What?"

"You heard me," she continued, glaring at the man beside her. I gathered that they were in a relationship of sorts. "Please come in, James," she said, and I obeyed, standing next to her. For a moment, I glanced at Steve, who just stared at me as if he was shocked. I then looked to Natalia, who seemed to e regretting saying anything at all.

"I know none of you trust me, and I don't blame you, but let's face it, I'm all you got. Steve was right. If I'm here for anything, it's to help. What do you think I'm going to do to you all that I haven't done already?" I was being outspoken, but I had a feeling it would only be for now.

"I don't know, kill us?" Clint spoke up, and though I wanted to do just that to him, I took a deep breath and refocused. "If I wanted to kill you, I would have done it already, but that's beside the point. I can get you to Loki."

I decided to ignore all of the comments coming from the dark-haired man beside Pepper.

"You're a pretty good shot," the brunette woman spoke up, clutching her shoulder. "You know how to make it hurt." I looked at her almost apologetically, now wishing I hadn't hurt any of them. But I did.

"You don't have to trust him or like that he's here, but he is, and you just have to deal with that," Steve said, and I could only stare at him. The Steve I knew wouldn't have said that, but this new Steve was brave. I was impressed. "We're not going to solve this without him, face it. How many times did we try? Besides, Loki's not alone here. He's got the other assassin alongside him as well." I ignore that comment.

"What do you know of my brother?" The blonde - Thor – asked.

"He's planning to take you all out," I said, not making eye contact with anyone, though all eyes were on me. "I don't know a lot about him, I didn't ask. I know he paid a lot of money to.. Use me, and I don't think it was a coincidence that it was to get to you two," I said, looking at both Steve and Natalia. Natalia wouldn't look my way, but I did see the archer's eyes shoot in her direction. "That being said, he's not too bright. He doesn't know how to be human."

"And you do?" Clint asked, and I looked over at him without emotion. "No, but at least I'm trying."

"And that's all we can do, try."

"So we follow the trace signature and then what?" Steve asked, looking at me. "You could do that," I responded, then shrugged. "Or you could use me. Wouldn't be the first time. He doesn't know I'm.. Well, I don't know what this is, but he doesn't even know I know who you all are. I could contact him. Find him." It was a reasonable suggestion.

"No. I'm-.. We're not sending you back in that place where you can just start all over again," Natalia said, and for the first time since I attacked her in the woods, we made eye contact. It was a little thing, but it was enough for me.

"Nat's right, you're part of the team now. We do this together," Steve added, and I looked over at him, slightly shocked. I didn't expect this.

I hadn't been part of anything good since the war. I hadn't been good since the war. Maybe this was my chance to start over. "I won't let you fall, Cap," I said, then looked around the room. "I may not be the best teammate, but I'm going to try, and I hope that's enough for everyone." With that, I walked out of the room, letting them finish up without me. I had other things I wanted to do.

I wanted to know more about all of them. I wanted to know their stories, their past. I wanted to know their names. So I started with the sarcastic dark-haired man. Once I figured out his name - which I found out was Tony - everything else came easily. I wasn't 'good' at modern technology, but I knew how to work a computer. It was finding one that made it hard. While the team continued to plan, I snuck into the room that was Steve's. I rummaged through his belongings, looking for a computer. What I found was a bit more personal. When I pulled a pair of pants away, two pieces of paper fell. Naturally, I flipped them over, and I almost wished I hadn't. The first one was a picture of me. I hadn't looked at myself much, but I knew what I looked like. That was me. The other one was of a woman, one that was vaguely familiar. Names and faces seemed to slip away from me sometimes, but this woman was especially familiar. I didn't know why. I set them back, then pulled more away to see a silver laptop. Score. I pulled it out and put everything back, then slipped out of the room unnoticed. When I made it back to my room, I searched his name. What I found made me cringe. Reports of a flying machine, a billionaire with a bad reputation, but that wasn't what caught my eye. It was the report of his parents that made me cringe.

I don't often remember my targets. These I did.

I killed his parents.

Maybe I shouldn't be here after all.

**-James 'Bucky' Barnes**

_**A/N: You lucky ducklings, you get two long chapters in one night! Don't expect this very often! This is because my dear over achieving co-writer, Zenappa, was two chapters ahead of me, and I want to keep up for our readers! Thank you to all who have followed, favorited, or reviewed! I cannot express in words what it means to Zenappa and I to hear from you all! Thank you!**_

**_Reviews: _**

**_And by reviews, I mean the wonderful _**_Bucky Barnes_**_, who is incredibly fast._**

_Dear Bucky,_

_I'm not all back. Not yet, pal. Hm, maybe you're right._

_Sincerely,_

_..Bucky. (You were right, how about that?)_


	7. Chapter 7

**_See end of chapter for Author's Notes._**

August 19th.

I hadn't had a home since before the war. I had a place to return to, but I never had a home. I still don't have a home. What I have now is close, but it isn't home yet. Stark let me stay in a room at the hotel. Everyone else stayed there, so he assumed one more couldn't hurt. I couldn't help but feel bad, since he was showing a kindness to me, and all I have ever done was tear him down. I thought about telling him about what I did to his parents, but I decided against it after considering the fact that the hotel was the only place I had. They were all I had, and I couldn't risk losing that.

I hadn't been in a bed in longer than I had a home. I had cots in the army, and I had a cryogenics pod after that. Not exactly the ideal place to sleep. Naturally, when I lay down on the bed in the room that I was staying in, I felt as if I was going to fall. It was comfortable to the point where it was uncomfortable, and I couldn't sleep in those conditions. I couldn't sleep anyways.

The nightmares got worse over time. As I realized how much damage I had done over the years, the guilt practically consumed me. For the first time since I was a child, I cried. I couldn't stop it. I wasn't being weak, I just didn't know what to do with myself. Though I won't admit to it outside this journal thing, I was genuinely afraid and ashamed of myself. Once I calmed myself down, I heard the sounds of water rushing through pipes above me. I was staying in the room beside Steve's, so I assumed that he couldn't sleep either. I still felt bad for that.

Halfway through his shower, though, I heard something else. To the common person, it would have sounded like a creak in wood, but to me, it sounded different. I stood up quickly and silently sneaked out of my room with my knife in my hand, stalking the other person in the room from the shadows. I felt wrong following an attacker in loose clothing, but I managed with what I had. The water stopped and I watched the assassin sneak towards the bedroom. It was then that I recognized her.

When she sat beside me, sharpening her blade, I knew she was someone I used to know. When she stood beside me before Steve and Natalia entered the building, I knew she was important. When I saw her face on the photograph in Steve's room, I knew she looked familiar. Now, it made sense.

She ran into Steve's room after a bit, and I heard a thump from inside the room. I heard her talking in whispers to him, and I watched her kneel to his side and caress his cheek. It sickened me that Loki would do this to Steve. She was just another charm he had to dangle over his head, and now she was going to kill him. I watched her leave through a window. I let her go, knowing I wouldn't attack her like this.

I rushed in the room as Steve gasped for air, picking him up with force. He was heavy, but for once, the metal arm came in handy as I moved him onto the bed. "Come on, punk," I growled, pushing the metal arm on his chest. "You're not dying on me." As I did this, he choked a few times and reached over to his bedside, where a glass of water fell at his fingertips. I moved over to it and sniffed it quickly, and I knew what it was immediately. It was poison, and I was again disgusted by Loki's games. He was going to poison Steve. How lazy.

"This is gonna hurt," I tilted my head a bit, then ripped a piece of the bed sheet off, wrapping it around my hand. I then pried his jaw open and shoved my hand down his throat, getting rid of the residue in his throat, then let his body get rid of the rest as he moved over and spit it out onto the floor. I would have cringed if I hadn't been used to the sight. He seemed to be recovering, but I knew better.

I placed my flesh hand on his chest, checking his pulse. It was irregular and far to slow, which indicated that he had swallowed the water. I shook my head in anger, then grabbed the knife I had brought to defend him. "Hold on there, Steve," I muttered, pouring water - clean water - onto my hand and knife, then pressed it down on his stomach, where I knew it had to burn. I had to get it out as soon as possible, before it did permanent damage. I flushed out as much as I could once the incision was made, then sighed in relief as he sat up and began speaking. I did it.

I looked up at him with a small smile, dropping the knife on the floor, along with all of the other things I used to revive him. He gave me a look that showed his gratitude, and I simply shrugged. "I guess we're even now."

I gave him time to recover, only moving to hand him a roll of gauze I found in his drawer. When he looked back at me, I knew what would happen next.

"How-" he started, but I stopped him. "I'm the only one up at this god-forsaken hour." He laughed at that, but it faded quickly. There was a conversation that needed to happen, and I had to prepare myself for it. I had to be the one to break this to him.

"Bucky," he muttered, looking over at me. "Who did this?"

I could only stare at him for a while. I didn't want to do this, not here, not now, but there seemed to be no way out now. "The poison," my voice caught, and I took a deep breath. "The poison.. I've used it before and so has she. It doesn't cause hallucinations." He didn't tell me he experienced them, but I had been poisoned by it before. I knew what he experienced. I knew what was running through his mind as well as his eyes widened and he stared back at me.

"No," he whispered, and I felt a twang in my heart (which yes, I actually have one) when I heard him. "It can't be."

"I'm sorry," I managed, and I truly was. Still, I knew he had to process this on his own, and I didn't want to be there when he fell apart. He would just hold it in if I had stayed. So I stood up and left the room, moving back to my room.

I didn't sleep that night, and I had a feeling neither did Steve.

When I woke up, my prediction was proven correct. He walked out of his room looking awful, but I didn't blame him. Instead, I just walked his way, placing a hand on his good shoulder. I didn't say anything, but I figured being there for him was all he needed at that moment. When I walked into the room where the rest of the team sat, I sent a warning glare to all of those who looked at me funny. I couldn't deal with that today, and I knew neither could Steve. As he sat down, I sat beside him. All eyes were focused on him, but he didn't seem to care. In fact, he didn't seem to notice at all. I looked around, then took a deep breath.

"Steve was poisoned last night," I spoke for him, earning wide-eyed stares from most of the people in the room. They began to ask questions, but I talked over them. "He's fine now, thanks to me, but he's.. not himself today," I explained to the best of my ability, but he spoke up soon after.

"It was Peggy," he croaked, still looking at his knees. "She attacked me." Stark rolled his eyes, but Pepper hit him and gave him a nod that made him shut up before he could speak. Apparently others knew who it was before he did.

"I wanted to tell you," Pepper spoke quietly, then inched closer to Tony. "I just.. I didn't know how."

"She's under Loki's control, Steve. I know, I saw it when she attacked me," Natalia added, stepping closer to us.

"It doesn't matter," Steve started, and I decided to interrupt him before things got out of hand again.

"That means Loki is still here," I said, looking around at each individual person. "It means that we have the advantage this time. Steve is alive, and I know how to get to Loki."

"He's right," Clint, of all people, chimed in. "Loki thinks we just lost a valuable member of our team, so he's relaxing right now. He won't expect us to come after him."

"I can trace the signatures that lead us here. I can find him," the scientist spoke up. I never learned his name.

"Once we find him, I can send a team in to take out the defenses, another to gather information, and one to get Loki," Stark added, nodding slowly. The rest of the team nodded in unison. Steve looked up, and for a moment, he looked as if he might have smiled. "What are we waiting for?" He asked, then nodded to the team to get to work.

Apparently, that meant me, as well. I was put in the group to collect information, since it seemed that I knew more than anyone else about how Loki worked. Among my team stood Natalia, the scientist - who I now know as Bruce -, and Pepper. On the defense was Clint, Maria, and Stark. Thor and Steve chose to find Loki. When the signal was found, we split up and did our jobs. Defense made it possible for my team and Steve's team to get in without problem, and then we split up to do our jobs. Bruce moved into a room that seemed to be entirely made of wires (or that's how it looked to me), Pepper and Natalia went into a room of files, and I moved ahead to find a laboratory.

I was on edge the moment I entered the room, but something inside of my switched as I noticed what it was for. Workers still tried to set up a chair in the center of the room, and in the distance, I could see them assembling a cryogenics chamber. This room was designed for me. I looked around with hate running through my veins, and that's when it happened. I don't know what exactly triggered it, but before I could stop it, the Winter Soldier broke through. I easily took out workers by the dozen, and destroyed everything. It took a while, but I did it. Anger ran through me and blinded me, and I couldn't stop it if I tried. Once I practically tore down the entire lab, my eyes met that of a scientist. I recognized him immediately.

"_Your dear friend betrayed you_," his voice creeped into my mind, and his hits still burned on my cheek. His serums still ran through my veins. He, being a coward, ran out, but I caught him in the hallway with ease. I don't know what happened to me after that. All I remember was hitting him over and over again, and then stopping to check his pulse, then hitting him again until it stopped. I didn't stop then, though. I kept hitting him, blinded by rage. I wouldn't have stopped either, if it weren't for Steve.

"Bucky stop," I heard him in the distance, but I didn't. I kept going. "Bucky! Bucky, he's dead, stop!" He called out, then moved to my side, placing a firm hand on my shoulder to stop me. I stopped hitting, but I sat there, taking deep, shaky breaths and staring at the man who I had just killed. I looked over to Steve moments later, then looked around to see a few of the team staring at me. My hands were covered in blood, and the fleshly one was shaking violently. My cheeks felt wet, but I didn't recall crying. All I could remember was the rage I felt inside of me. I let out a shaky breath, then stood up, looking at the man I killed.

I really was a monster.

I glanced back at Steve as I continued to step back, my eyes wide. I didn't mean to kill him. I didn't mean to keep going. I didn't want to be that person. I couldn't stop myself. I was unstable, and I cracked and let the Winter Soldier take over. "I-.. I didn't.." I tried to explain, but it didn't matter. My eyes drifted to Pepper, the woman who knew what I was and still cared for me, who stared at me with wide, tear filled eyes. I scared her. I scared everyone. I was a monster.

"I-I'm sorry," I attempted, but I couldn't stand there anymore. I pushed past everyone and ran out of the building, still shaking. I kept running until I couldn't anymore, and when I couldn't, I hid. For a while, I sat with my head in my hands, trying to focus.

"That was.. awful."

I looked up to see Natalia walking towards me, and then I looked back down. She sat beside me, but didn't say much. She just sat there, keeping me company. I eventually looked over at her, not hiding my fear for a second. "Do they-"

"Nah," she cut me off, shaking her head. "They're looking for you, but I knew you'd be hiding pretty well." She gave me a sad smile, then sighed. "When I left the KGB, I was a lot like you," she started, and my eyes darted in her direction. "I couldn't do it anymore, so I dropped out. I was punished for it, but I had to get out. For years, I attacked anything that came near me, afraid they'd be someone looking to drag me back. You remember how it was. You can't recover from that," she said, taking a deep breath.

I looked at her with a serious expression, but it weakened into one of regret. "How did you recover?" I asked, and she laughed.

"I haven't."

I smiled sadly in her direction, then sighed, placing my head in my hands again. "They're all afraid of me now," I groaned, shaking my head.

"That's not a bad thing. Besides, I figured you wouldn't care what they thought of you," she said, then nudged my shoulder. "Come on, it'll be fine." She then stood up, holding her hand out. "We'll go back together, and you can explain what happened. They'll understand, I promise." I stared at her for the longest time, then took her hand and stood up.

When we made it back to the hotel, things seemed to calm a bit. Tension was high as I walked beside Natalia into the room where everyone gathered, but she moved away and sat by herself, leaving me standing in the center of attention. "I.. I am really sorry," I tried. "You didn't kill us, pal. We were just concerned about you," Tony spoke. For a moment, he sounded exactly like his father. Steve came and stood beside me, wrapping his arm around my shoulder. "Let's get you cleaned up," he said, smiling as warmly as he could. He was hurting too, and I knew it. "I owe you one," he added, leading me out of the room.

For once, I actually felt like I belonged.

-James 'Bucky' Barnes.

**_A/N: Hey! I'm alive! October is such a crazy month, and so I apologize for that. In light of that, I am posting two today, and another later this week! :)_**


	8. Chapter 8

_**See end of chapter for Author's Notes.**_

August 21.

I haven't experienced pity in a long time. When it came over me, I almost thought it was fear. That was ridiculous, though. I don't feel fear. Or, I didn't, but I also didn't feel pity. Pity was what I felt for Steve. After I had returned from my.. Incident, he took me to the one place I needed to be. He took me to a room where a punching bag hung from the ceiling. I stared at it for a while, then gave him a blank look.

"Steve, you don't-," he cut me off. "Just try." I protested, but sighed eventually and let him have the moments of pride as I walked to the bag. Upon walking to it, I lifted my metal arm, and punched the bag with force, and it fell off of the chain on the spot. "I tried to tell you," I mumbled, but I saw him stare at it. I don't know why, but it seemed to me as if he was severely depressed, even over little things. I suppose I would feel the same way if someone had taken the two most important people to me and used them against me, though. That wasn't fair. None of this was fair to him, but if I've learned anything, it's that life isn't fair, and instead of letting it catch you off guard, you had to be one step ahead of it.

He looked at me with a sad smile, then wrapped his arm over my shoulders, laughing half-heartedly. "Well, that didn't work," he said, walking out of the room while shaking his head. I didn't say anything, but I smiled for him. That had to be enough for now. Instead of finding some other activity, Steve walked away to be on his own. I didn't blame him. I went into my own bedroom, and let him be.

While some may believe in sleep, I don't think it exists. At least for me it doesn't. I try, but it doesn't come. It's been so long since I've slept, I think I've forgotten how. Thankfully, I found myself in the best place for a person who can't sleep, as it turned out I was not the only one. I decided to walk around a bit, and I stumbled across a lit room in the hotel. I peeked in, but discreetly.

I saw the scientist from before working on something, though I didn't know what. "I know you're there," he said aloud, and almost made me jump. I used to sneak up on trained assassins, but I couldn't sneak up on this guy. I pushed the door open slightly, raising my eyebrow at the man. "You can come in, if you want," he shrugged, only looking up from his work for a second. He motioned to a seat and I took it, staring at him silently.

"You're a lot like me, you know," he mumbled, and I almost laughed.

"I doubt that," I shook my head, and he nodded.

"What you did today," he started, and I already felt uncomfortable. I knew I messed up. I knew killing that man was an awful thing to do. "I know how you felt," he shrugged, still looking at the machine he was staring at. "How?" I asked, almost amused that he thought he was like me. "You were angry, more angry than you could handle, and you cracked and attacked him. I know how that feels," he said, looking up at me for a moment. I didn't know what he meant, but I figured he knew how I felt, so he must have had a reason.

"How did you handle it?" I asked, and he looked up at me with a small smirk.

"I'll let you know when I figure it out," his smirk faded to a smile, and I couldn't help but smile as well. I was really beginning to like this guy.

I went back to my room and attempted to sleep, and upon failing many times, I finally gave up. Thankfully, as I did, I heard commotion from outside my door, and I left to find out what it was. I watched Bruce shake a piece of paper in front of Steve frantically. I didn't listen for most of it, I only hear what I needed to.

"Tell the others to meet here in ten minutes. We have a god to catch."

Ten minutes passed, and we all stood in a circle, staring at Steve.

"I assume Banner told you all the good news," he started. "We have a lot to do today but I have faith in you all-"

"Save the speech, Cap," Tony interrupted, but the smirk he wore let us know that he was as determined as we were.

"We're a team," Steve continued as if Tony had said nothing. "Whether we like it or not, we're all part of this now. We're all Avengers." As if he read my mind, Steve looked at me, as if to tell me that it meant me, as well. I was an Avenger now, whether I liked it or not. Turns out, I like it.

"Every single one of us. Whatever happens today, I am.. I cannot thank you enough. I never wanted any of you to do what you have done for me. I never wanted-," his voice cracked, something I only heard before he was Captain America. Even now, underneath the muscles and the alias, he was still that stupid little kid who had a heart too big for his body. I walked over to him and placed a hand on his good shoulder, smiling at him slightly. He smiled back, then looked around with pride.

In what felt like only minutes, we were in mission mode. I knew where I had to be, and honestly, nothing else mattered. I knew I was to be behind a pillar in the church. I didn't know what I was looking for, but I looked for anything suspicious. Once I was positioned, I nodded in Steve's direction and followed my orders.

I won't lie, I was often distracted by Natalia. It sounds ridiculous, but I couldn't help it. She made me feel human. I shook my head and looked around, avoiding looking in their direction at all. It was just like in the KGB. She threw me off. I looked around still, narrowing my eyes at anything that seemed out of the ordinary.

I almost jumped when I heard the loud thump to my left, where Bruce was stationed. Was. He was gone now. In fact, on both of my sides, Thor and Tony seemed to disappear as well. I looked to find Steve, only to watch him stand up and look around. I looked just in time to watch Natalia get dragged away by what looked like an assassin. However, I couldn't protect her or Steve, since strong arms wrapped around me. I was stronger, though, and I pushed away with great force. Unfortunately, what they had was stronger than me. The man grabbed a device and lodged it in my metal arm, and soon, I felt shocks running through my veins, and the last thing I remember seeing was Steve getting himself hit, and falling to the ground.

We walked right into a trap.

_**A/N: Dun, dun, dun! How about that cliffhanger? Blame Zenappa, really, she's the puppet master. I am not at all at fault.. yet. There's more to come, so stay tuned ;) **_


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